I remember…. when we used to wake up at midnight…Mozart’s requiem of voices would greet us on the laser gyrating platinum…lines of coke on Kant’s “Critique of Pure Reason”.., vodka and ecstasy would peak us above the horizon…like vampires we would awake from our coffins, pupils dilating into orbs of dead moons, seeking not blood, but the life pulse of the city’s techno beats…
I remember…those Goth’ eyes of yours dancing almost naked in the ultraviolet strobes of light, the beat would be relentless…dance or die…I would kiss your violet lips, it felt like kissing infinity, beauty multiplied by a million taken to the power of infinity. Our bodies would lose themselves into a million of shards of crystals within mirrors, reflecting abysses within abysses…Van Dyk’s “for an Angel” would flap us on and on and on…
I remember…melting into flows of lava, every peak such a total ecstasy that it felt like oblivion, there has never been so much pleasure and ecstasy…that it turned into its extreme reverse, excruciating pain, as such, every valley was a relief, a moment of sanity before the roller coaster took me up again to the infernal peaks. I have never burned so much with you Alice ever….like a moth drawn to a flame consumed by fire within fire….
I remember…our come downs…our “massive attack” chill outs…cuddling each other so strongly for fear it would not last, sex would have ruined it…If I recall correctly, we probably never actually got a/round to having sex; after total love and ecstasy what could there be… we cried…it almost felt like a crime…we had truly stolen the fires of heaven from the gods, and there was a certain pride in it…this wasn’t happiness but heaven in a maze, for the fear of retribution was never far away ( the chemical gods do get angry...)…sleeping throughout the day, the curtains perpetually drawn day and night, vodka bottles and foiled papers of scattered caramel traces with white scrolls circling the one side of our bed, the artificial non-smell of Mdma gently aromatizing the bed-side table…we would sleep-wait until midnight silently stoned almost without a word or breath for fear of disturbing the circle-balance of heaven we found ourselves in…to step beyond the circle again// would be to lose it all, surely another emerald-ruby night is not possible….yet it was, until the twilight dawn…
I remember…as vampires addicted to life we arose again, the doors of our catacombs creaked open, blowing the closed curtains with tremors of silky folds, the fresh night air of the city twinkled in our deadpan eyes; yes, it was going to be another night, another joyriding on the stolen ecstasy of the gods…
I remember…that it was never enough…we got addicted to each other, and everything else chemical or otherwise, were mere means to get higher and higher, every limit a temporary limit, a mere testing boundary to our unholy faith…this wasn’t love,,,but madness…none of us could take it...we knew it would not last, like your favourite band “Joy-Division” love would truly tears us apart…and of course, bang on time the grim-reaper appeared, “it” and you vanished without a trace, as if it never happened…..
Wherever you are Alice, you have haunted me for nearly a decade…either dead or alive, or maybe knowing how foxy-cute, sharp and narcotic you are, probably in between, always paraphrasing Morrisey’s “thinking about life or death, nooone of which are very appealing….” Indeed, between life and death is where we all want to be….
